|Someone told me the other day that there are aliens living underground in Denver, Colorado. I responded that there were undoubtedly a great many aliens living above ground in Denver. Evidently, we were talking about two different kinds of aliens. While I was referring to the kind that come from other countries, he was talking about the kind that come from other planets. It's always prudent to be sure that you are talking about the same thing in any communication. If one of us is discussing people south of the border and another of us is referring to people south of alpha centauri, misunderstandings would naturally follow.
I tend to be a pretty open minded person, after all, the universe is a giant mystery and I'm no Stephen Hawking, so who am I to say whether or not there are aliens and where they are living? On the other hand, when someone makes a statement of this kind to me, I am compelled to ask questions. For instance, in my estimation no one in their right mind should want to live under Denver, even guys from out of town, regardless if out of town is a couple of hundred light years away. I assumed that the aliens were in hiding and not going to Bronco games or ski resorts, in which case under Denver is not exactly the optimal location for keeping a low profile. Why not under Mt. Denali or someplace really remote? Even if the aliens have some compelling reason to stay in North America, there are locations in Alaska and Canada that easily qualify as better hiding places. I asked this question and was told that there are powerful and influential people in this country who are helping the aliens stay hidden and they picked Denver.
“So, are we talking a kind of alien underground railroad?” I asked.
I have heard this story before, of course, but not from this particular person, whom I consider a very nice and intelligent guy, so I didn't want to sound too snarky or dismissive. It just isn't polite. But, since I tend to the humorous and find it very hard to resist a straight line, I had to be careful.
“We are talking about aliens who have conspired with humans to take over our planet,” he said.
I'm pretty sure that I saw this story on the X-Files a decade ago. Was life imitating art or art imitating life? It's a question that should be pondered at length but frankly, I don't want to. My friend suggested that the final take over could occur in 2012, which, as we all know, is the end of days according to the Mayan calendar. It seems to me that the Mayans are taking the rap for a whole bunch of nasty scenarios these days. Everything from tsunamis and killer asteroids to marauding aliens are being laid at their door. Evidently, these aliens are able to look human if necessary, a nice perk if you are planning to conquer a planet, and far more useful for subterfuge than looking like a big lizard or a giant bug, which might tend to make people a little suspicious, unless you live in the north woods, of course, where giant bugs are a dime a dozen. My friend told me that I should be worried. I responded that I just didn't have the time to worry about the possibility of evil aliens when I felt surrounded by evil perpetrated on a daily basis by the beings who were spawned right here on my home planet. I also pointed out that if the aliens were anything like us it was reasonable to assume that they were not just stopping by to pick up some take out and continue on their way to the Disney planet, and if they had the knowledge and skill to travel several thousand light years to get here, any resistance we could offer would probably be utterly futile. He told me that the only way to fight them was to work together and attack them before they take action and call in their alien pals.
“Sure,” I agreed. “Because our species is so good at cooperation. We can barely agree and work together nicely enough to hold the Olympics every four years much less a full scale joint operation to eradicate a million aliens living underground all over the world. Not to mention the fact that they undoubtedly possess technology far beyond our own, which suggests the probability that we would be consumed as food or turned into slaves faster than you could say 'Beam me up, Scotty'. Besides, if we have been sold out by our own, which doesn't surprise me in the least given our history, the aliens have all their bases covered. Frankly, we're probably doomed.”
“So you advise we do nothing?” He asked.
“Not at all,” I answered. “If I happen to be on a golf course and one of the nasty aliens pokes his head out of the 9th hole, I'll be happy to take a swing at him. On the other hand, I have to consider the other disasters that may occur in 2012, so I plan to have an escape route and a life jacket, an umbrella, and a golf club readily at hand. If an asteroid hits the earth I'll be totally out of luck, of course. But then again, so will the aliens...won't they?”