|Jinny has been very ill and is currently undergoing rehabilitation in a Bangor facility so she will not be writing her article for awhile. She is making excellent progress and hopes to be able to return to writing her column in the near future... Adele.
The other day Chuck and I saw an advertisement for an upcoming television show that seemed to be about some guy who was King of the entire world. Being King of the World seems like kind of a big job to me, but the guy in the preview seemed to like it. It got us to discussing what we would do if we were King or Queen of the World. I asked Chuck what kinds of things he would do. Chuck, being a practical kid, needed to ask a few questions first.
"Do I have absolute power and would it be impossible to overthrow me? Do I have to work with a parliament or something?" he asked.
"Chuck, we are talking about the most ridiculously hypothetical question imaginable. Don't sweat the details." I answered.
"In that case," he said, "I'd end war and poverty and clean up the environment."
"Great answer if you are shooting for the Miss America title." I told him. "Let's be more specific. How about we just concentrate on things that really annoy us that we would want to go away."
Together, we composed a list of things we would ban from our kingdom. It goes something like this.
1. Reality TV. We really hate reality that isn't real.
2. Animal sports. Any so-called sport where people make money or achieve glory through the efforts and talents of an animal. Horse racing would be gone.
3. Movies about zombies. This one is Chuck's. He really hates those guys.
4. Dressing little dogs in human outfits. This is something I can't stand. People who dress their poodles up like GAP models would be charged with the crime of obnoxious stupidity, fined, and jailed.
5. Name brand fashion stores that charge you obscene amounts of money to advertise their clothes for them by prominently displaying their brand name on the clothing you just paid an obscene amount of money for.
6. Over paid movie, music, and sports celebrities. No one would be allowed to become millionaires by crying into a camera, screaming dumb lyrics, or occasionally catching a fly ball.
7. Exorbitant charges for sporting events. No more zillion dollar ticket prices and ten dollar hot dogs..
8. That TV show about those annoying people who crash land on a deserted island that is not really deserted would be taken off the air. The writing is so contrived it drives me crazy, and the characters are so angst-ridden and have so many issues that they deserve to stay lost.
9. Anime cartoons. This one is all mine. I find Anime ugly and disturbing. I'm convinced that Anime cartoons are part of a plot to destroy the minds of our children.
10. Teen movies. Particularly teen horror movies. They could be drastically shortened by just doing away with all the obnoxious teenagers in the first five minutes and calling it good.
11. Celebrities with no discernible talents or useful purpose. You know who I mean. All these utterly useless and annoying people would be forced to get a real job.
12. Clowns and mimes. Actually, I have met so few people who actually like these guys that it's amazing to me that they are still around.
13. Dolls and action figures that you can't stand up. How annoying is that?
14. Ugly baby dolls. Babies are adorable, so how come there are so many ugly baby dolls?
15. Styrofoam cups. Nothing tastes good in them.
16. Fast food. Chuck and I don't agree about this one. I personally believe that Rome fell because of the fast food kiosks in the Forum.
17. School. This one is all Chuck and he forced me to put it on the list. Even though he is on the honor roll, he still hates it.
18. Wall Street. Need I say more?
19. Celebrity gossip magazines. Who cares?
The list could probably go on much longer, but we called a halt at 19 items. We decided that being King of the World would be great for about 10 minutes after which it would just become way too much responsibility. If this new show that is coming up is really bad, we'll just add it to the list and make it an even 20.